


Diary of the Green Soul

by punkinoodle



Series: People Say I'm Kind [2]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Depression, Diary/Journal, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Bonding, Friendship, Loneliness, Medication, Past, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:22:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 11,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26655100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punkinoodle/pseuds/punkinoodle
Summary: I decided to continue my self-insert Undertale fanfic to help me cope with living alone in Toronto during a pandemic. This diary is a fictionalized/fantasized version of my real life. Enjoy.
Relationships: Alphys & Undyne (Undertale), Sans & Toriel (Undertale)
Series: People Say I'm Kind [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1939396
Comments: 20
Kudos: 7





	1. Written on the first page:

This Diary Belongs To:

_Brenda McLachlin_

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_If you read this, you're a very rude person._


	2. Preface

Dear Reader,

Welcome to my diary. How are you doing? I hope you’re having a wonderful day. To be honest, I don’t know if you actually do exist, but thanks to more than a few conversations with one of my good friends, I also can’t rule out the possibility that you don’t. He says I ask too many questions, but I’m pretty sure he likes having someone to talk with about metaphysics. Chances are, if you made it here, and you’re reading my diary, you’re probably familiar with my story - that is to say, Frisk’s story. I’m guessing you only know me as the green soul. If that’s the case, allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Brenda McLachlin. I’m currently 21 years old. It’s been 9 years since Frisk broke the barrier to the underground and our souls returned to our bodies. The other kids revived that day, from oldest to youngest, were Samuel, Isabelle, Frasier, Joseph, and Mia. Joseph and Isabelle were lucky; we were able to get in contact with their parents, and they got to go back home. Don’t worry - we still keep in touch. Samuel and Isabelle seem particularly close. Asgore ended up adopting Mia. He spoils her completely rotten, but she had a really terrible early life, so I kind of feel like she deserves it. That leaves Frisk, Frasier, Samuel, and me. We all lived with Toriel - at least for a while. A few years ago, Samuel got an apprenticeship of sorts at a farm. He seems to be doing well there. Frisk just graduated high school, and they’re taking a gap year. As for me, I got a degree in something stupid and now I’m living by myself in New York City. I like it here. I have some memories of living here as a little girl. I’m happy to be back. 

People tell me I’m a kind person, but sometimes I’m not sure about that. I try my best. Right now I do a bit of freelance teaching work to get by. In my free time, I like to bake and play the piano. I’ve been getting back into playing video games. I just finished Fallout 3. No spoilers of course, but the ending BROKE me. I’m also giving Borderlands a shot, but it’s not really my thing. I prefer RPG’s and puzzle games. Bonus points for memeability. I’m especially fond of Katamari Damacy.

I’m rambling. But am I going to rewrite this? Hell no. Have fun reading my diary, whoever you are. Just do me a favour and try not to judge me too hard. That’s mean.

Brenda


	3. Entry n

Dear Diary,

I’ve been having a bit of a rough day. It’s been much longer than a day, but I don’t have an exact timestamp on the crumminess, so I’m just going to call it a day. I know it doesn’t help that I live alone. I do know that. You don’t have to tell me. Sometimes I feel really far away from my people. I don’t mean physically. I don’t think being physically closer would help, you know? I feel like I’m on a whole other page. Maybe it was because I was the oldest, but I feel like I never really bonded with the monsters and the other kids. Maybe it’s because I’m damaged. Who knows. Aren’t we all, in a way?

But it seems like everyone else is coping so much better than I am. I don’t say that lightly. I know about their struggles. I know their insecurities. And to be fair, I do know that they care about me and do think of me as part of the family. I just… can’t feel it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. But I miss them. A part of me keeps wondering if I made the wrong decision by moving away. But I think it was the right decision, I really do. I am happy here. As happy as I can be. I really think my brain is just not working the best. It’s a little discouraging, because I also feel like I’m coping pretty well. But if I’m coping so well, why do I feel so bad? 

Who knows. I should probably go to sleep. I might need to take something. I’ll talk about that in another entry, probably. Have a good night, I guess.

Brenda


	4. Entry n + 1

Dear Diary,

I know I ended that last entry like you’re someone who’s in the same time zone as me, and not my future self or an inanimate collection of paper. I know that and I don’t care. Just in case you were wondering.

Today wasn’t much better. I’ve been having trouble sleeping. The thing is, I get so depressed in the evenings, so I take benadryl, so I can calm down. I only take 1 pill, 25 mg, but I find it helps a lot. If anybody but me reads this, know that I don’t endorse this behaviour. I don’t want to be taking drugs, I just want to stop being upset about nothing. So basically I take it a lot of days in the evening, and now it’s at the point where I have a hard time sleeping without it. Which sucks because I’ve always had trouble sleeping. But you knew that. 

I’m trying to make my peace with it. Some days I can sleep without it. But I feel like a benadryl dependence isn’t the worst thing in the world. It’s only temporary. It’s late, but I decided to call a few people and leave a message. I knew they wouldn’t pick up at this hour. I called Frisk. They’re a great listener, so they tend to know what’s up with the rest of the fam. I called Papyrus, too. Papyrus is great because I can be totally sappy with him and he just thinks it’s normal. I told him I miss him a lot. I asked him if he’d go for a hike with me and Undyne if I ever dropped by. We’ll see what he says, but I know he’s not the limiting factor.

I don’t know why I do this. I call people and then I feel bad for bothering them and it only makes me feel better for the time that I’m talking. I should just go to sleep. If only it were that easy. Oh well. Maybe I’ll split a benadryl in half. That could help. 

Goodnight. Talk with you tomorrow. 

Brenda


	5. Entry n + 2

Dear Diary,

I didn’t get to tell you everything that happened last night, but by the time I got back I was pretty tired. After I wrote my entry for the evening, I broke down and called Sans. I don’t know why I say it like that, like it’s a bad thing. I guess I feel bad for bothering him. He can be so hard to read sometimes, so there’s always this lingering fear that he doesn’t like me. I know that’s not true. But there’s no accounting for anxiety. Plus, he’s so popular. There’s a lot of other people who want his time. I get it - lots of people have terrible taste. Ha ha. But really though, he’s got a lot going on, and he’s got his own problems to deal with, and I feel bad roping him into mine. It’s just… He gets it. 

So I broke down and called him. I told him exactly how I was feeling. There’s not a lot of people I can do that with. Some people get freaked out, and some people like to give me bad advice, and some people just don’t know what to say. I called a little after 1:30 am, I think. He didn’t pick up, and I didn’t expect him to. But I got all the way through my message, and then he texted me “come outside.” Which was weird. But he’s weird, so I was like whatever and I put on some shoes and came down to the lobby. 

Sure enough, he was waiting just outside the front door of my apartment building. I said something like “Why are you here?” and he was like “eh, Tori wanted me to check up on you,” which I know is probably true in general but like it was 1:30 am so it’s not like she sent him there that specific evening. Although I’m also pretty sure Toriel respects that I’m an adult and trusts me to take care of myself but whatever. I was trying to figure out what to say to that, but he just said, “let’s go for a walk.” And normally I wouldn’t want to go for a walk in the middle of the night in downtown NYC, but… you know. 

So we start walking around, and I just follow him, because Sans doesn’t get lost, like ever. I asked him how things are at home, and he wasn’t like “gee Brenda I thought you live here should you know” which I was almost expecting him to do but I guess he was playing nice that day, because he just told me “frasier got into columbia, and Tori’s over the moon about it.” And this mf decides to ask me “how I’m feeling.” Like dude I sent you a whole VOICEMAIL telling you how I’m feeling and that’s why you’re here in the first place but like go off I guess. So I said “I’m doing alright.” And he did a little laugh and said, “that’s a good one.” Like Sans you know I was being polite like a normal person. Stop it. So I tried to be like “hey no actually I wasn’t lying to you, I’m getting by. It’s ok.” and I don’t exactly remember how I phrased it but he said something like, “we both know we wouldn’t be out here if that were true.” So then why did you ask. The audacity of this bitch I swear.

But anyway he got me pretty good, so I was like “yeah well, life is hard.” And he said “damn right.” and then we walked in silence for a bit. I guess somebody started yelling or something - you could tell they weren’t totally lucid. It’s pretty common in New York. So Sans was like, “you don’t mind if we take a shortcut, do you?” and looking back he was probably trying to look out for me which is sweet but I’m not writing this to get sappy. So we took a shortcut and ended up around Central Park. And he was like, “so what’s bothering ya, kid?” I felt bad but that was kind of exactly what I wanted, so I told him about how I was feeling. Like about how I’m getting by and I’m doing a good job of taking care of myself, but it takes so much effort just to feel kind of terrible instead of incredibly terrible. And I kind of feel like it’s not worth it anymore. He’s a pretty good listener when he wants to be. In this case, I know he can relate. So we just sat on a bench for a while - I vented a little bit and then we sat in silence.

Eventually, he said this: “let me give you some advice. don’t give up. there’s people out there that’re counting on you.” And that doesn’t feel true at all. It’s something my brain knows, but my heart has a lot of trouble with it. The phrasing was weird too. I know people love me, but especially now that I’m living on my own, nobody really “needs” me for anything. Maybe my students do, but New York is crawling with teachers. We were in a little honesty bubble at the moment, so I kind of scoffed I guess and said “Name one person who’s counting on me for anything.” Because I was in a self-loathing mood. It was like 2 am don’t @ me. And I think he sighed but it was quiet so I felt it more than heard it, and he said, “you’re lookin at im, bud.” 

It feels kinda weird writing that. Like I was NOT expecting that. A part of me thinks I nodded off for a bit and just had a really realistic dream. Regardless, I was shook. I didn’t know what to say. I think I said something like, “No, you don’t need anything!” and he said, “i wish that were true, kid. i really do.” And then we just sat in silence again. Like what do you say to that? I’m still not sure how to feel. Honoured, I guess. Sans doesn’t like to directly tell people he cares about them, so an admission that direct is a big deal. He’s really private, too. It’s rare to hear him talk about having problems. So that was flattering too, that he’d tell me stuff like that. Also I hate to ruin the moment but I wasn’t looking at him. I was staring at a manhole cover. So. Just for accuracy’s sake. 

I don’t know why, maybe I wanted to change the subject, but I started thinking about my family situation overall. This isn’t something I think or talk about often, but I said, “Is it bad that I’m kinda happy we never got in contact with my parents?” Because I am. I love the family that I have. They take care of me, even when my depression doesn’t want to admit it. I don’t remember much about my human family, probably because the more I do remember, the more I don’t want to. Sans shrugged, and said something like, “i don’t know. why would it be?” I was like “I mean, they’re my parents.” And he winked, and said, “as far as I know, you do a pretty good job of keeping in touch with your parents.” I wasn’t totally sure what he meant, but then he said, “i mean, i’d get it if you feel a bit lacking in the dad department. but Tori? she’s the GOAT.”

I have to admit. I laughed. That was a good one. And I told him so, but that he’d better not push it. He said, “i know, you don’t like my dad jokes. you’ve made that a-parent.” He’s absolutely correct. I do not. 

I didn’t grace him with a reaction. I was pretty tired anyway. He must have noticed, because he said something about going back, and we started walking again. We didn’t say much on the way back, but before we left, he told me that he thinks if I’m happy not to see my parents, then I shouldn’t feel bad about it. Like the fact that I’m happy about it means they probably weren’t the greatest anyway. And you know what? I think I have to agree with him.

He disappeared before I could give him a hug. I don’t think he knew I was going to. It’s fine. He smells like ketchup anyways.

That was last night. My today was pretty good, but nothing special. I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes.

Brenda


	6. Entry n + 3

Dear Diary,

Frisk texted me back tonight. They’re so sweet. I’m always so surprised by how expressive they are over text. They’re so quiet in-person. It seems like everybody’s doing well back home. They said they help Toriel mark papers. I guess school started again. They said Sans helps too sometimes, which seems kinda sus to me. I would NOT want Sans marking my homework. But I guess it’s alright if Toriel’s keeping an eye on him.

Undyne and Alphys are taking Frisk to a comic convention. They didn’t say where or which one it was, but I asked them to take pictures of cool cosplays for me. I love comic cons. I haven’t had an excuse to dress up in cosplay for a while. Maybe I should find some good conventions in New York. 

Apparently Toriel told Frisk to ask if I’m getting enough sleep. I’m not, but I texted her that I was, because if I tell her I’m not, she’ll just lecture me. Maybe I should be more honest. She cares a lot about me. Maybe it’s enough just to know that I had to lie to her. I shouldn’t have to be lectured by her to get more sleep, I guess.

You know what I should do? I should text Mia. She’s adorable. Frisk told me she’s gotten really into botany. I’d love to see her garden next time I go visit. I’m sure Asgore is a great teacher. She’s in high school now. She's in grade 11. How is she so old?! Last time I checked, she was 6. Madness. I think the reason I haven’t really been in touch is that we have such different interests now. I do keep a couple of plants, but I’m more into the mathy parts of science. And more performance-arts. A few weeks ago I got a semi-professional microphone and set up an account on Voices.com. I’ve applied to a lot of jobs, but I haven’t got any feedback yet. Fingers crossed.

I haven’t heard back from Papyrus at all. That’s not like him. I wonder if he’s alright? I’m sure someone would have told me if he was in any sort of trouble. He’s probably just busy. He can get really into whatever he’s doing. I’m sure he’ll get back to me soon.

That’s about all I have to say for tonight. Cheers.

Brenda


	7. Entry n + 4

Dear Diary,

I texted Mia today. She seemed happy to hear from me, but like I expected, we didn’t have much to talk about. She seems to be enjoying high school. Her favourite classes are Spanish and Biology. I hated Biology, because I didn’t like dissecting things. It made me queasy. But I’m glad she’s having fun. 

Exciting news! I have a job interview tomorrow at 2, then I have a psychiatrist appointment at 3. I don’t teach until 5, so it should work out, but needless to say, I won’t be bored tomorrow! I spent this evening thinking of questions that I might be asked and practicing my answers out loud to nobody. It’s a good time. I really don’t like job interviews because of how formal they are. You’re expected to say the same thing in the same way every time and I hate it. I have so many good things to say. So the game becomes “how do I say what I actually want to say in this horribly restrictive environment?” And it never really works. But I just hope they think I’m sparkly and like my energy and sometimes I get the job anyway. This specific job is a customer service position, but it has health benefits, so I hope I get it.

Not much else has been going on, really. I keep taking half-pills of benadryl and I’m not happy about it. Eating is hard, as always. I feel hungry and then I’m like “hey, what should I eat?” and I think about all the food I have in my house and I don’t want any of it. And then I think about what I could order in or go out and buy, and I don’t want any of that either. So then I just don’t eat. But I find I get hungrier/more willing to eat when I take the benadryl so. Sucks to be me I guess. Do I slowly starve or slowly poison myself? Which is better? That’s dark. I shouldn’t say that. Maybe I’ll make some kraft dinner. I’m not really hungry right now, but maybe I’ll be willing to eat it when I do get hungry later.

Ok, I’ll go do that now. Night!

Brenda


	8. Entry n + 5

Dear Diary,

Today was a good day! A lot of things happened. I’ll go through them one-by-one.

First, I got the chance to do my makeup all fancy for the job interview. I decided to do some Twitch streaming first, so I got all dolled up and set the category as “Just Chatting” and reacted to an orchestral concert I hadn’t seen yet. Some people actually dropped by. :) So that was fun.

I forgot to mention that before that I recorded a take of a voiceover job. I got 2 different gigs! Both are for $100, but I have them absolutely for certain. I accepted the offers, but I still have to record the second one and I’ll have to do another take of the first one after they review it. I also got a callback of sorts for an audiobook. It’ll take FOREVER to record, but my quote was $2,000. That’s insane! If I get the job, that’s a month’s rent and then some! And also there would be an audiobook out there in my voice, which would be pretty sick.

I ended my twitch stream in time to get mentally prepared for my interview. I think it went pretty well. I might have been a bit too silly, but I was trying to be friendly to show that I’m a real person and would be good at customer service. Idk if it worked, but I guess we’ll find out. I feel like I answered her questions pretty well. And I actually had questions for her! I had questions about how work gets tracked and what the office situation is like. I’d hire me. But I guess it’s not up to me, is it?

THEN I had my psych appointment. I’ve seen so many psychiatrists, tbh. It’s kind of a pain at this point. But I was glad to talk to her because she was there to help me. I told her what I knew about my human family and how I’m doing with my monster family. I left out the part about being a soul trapped in a jar for a while. It didn’t seem relevant, and I didn’t want her to think I was delusional. I told her about my OCD diagnosis, how that expresses itself in me, and she seemed to agree with the diagnosis, which is nice. I told her about my coping strategies, and she was proud of me. That felt good. It’s nice to have your coping skills validated by a professional. Eventually another doctor came in and wrote me a prescription for clomipramine. I’m really happy about it. It’s a tricyclic antidepressant. I was on one of those before for my migraines, and it made me feel better emotionally, even though it had basically no serotonin effects, so I’m hoping this one will be even better. It’s more commonly prescribed for OCD anyway. AND it suppresses the H1 histamine receptor, WHICH IS WHAT BENADRYL DOES! So I’m hoping it’ll really work for me. I’m really glad I got the prescription.

That’s all my news for now. I should probably go call the fam and tell them what’s up. Maybe I can get on a skype call. That would be fun. I’ll see if they’re free. 

Brenda


	9. Entry n + 6

Dear Diary,

I got another voice acting job! This is exciting. I don’t know how long my luck will last, but it’s been nice so far. I think it’s gonna slow down a little bit because now I actually have to DO the jobs, and because I had such a busy day yesterday, I couldn’t do many auditions. But I’ll get back on track.

I’ve been texting one of my friends from uni. She’s doing her master’s degree in England, which is super cool! But she misses her friends and family a lot. I set a clock on my phone to London time, so I can know when she’s up. I’m going to try to start Twitch streaming at times that she might be able to join. She wants to help boost my numbers, but I think it would also be a fun way to connect.

I called Toriel and Asgore today (separately) to tell them about my news. Toriel was very worried about me, as always. She’s worried that I don’t have enough warm clothes for the winter. I reminded her that she made me lots of sweaters and blankets, but SHE remembered that I don’t like wool/yarn clothing. It’s really itchy and it bugs my sensory issues. I was worried she’d be upset but she wasn’t. :)

I got to talk to Mia too. She said she misses me. I miss her too. She wants me to come back home for a visit. I don’t know if I really can. Travelling is expensive, and I have stuff to do here. But maybe I should. It might be good for me. My birthday’s coming up in about a month. Maybe that would be a good time to go home. In the meantime, Toriel told me she’s setting up a skype call with all our friends. She’s going to let me know what time works for everybody. I wish she wouldn’t go to all that trouble, but I’m excited. 

There’s a fruit fly buzzing around my pen. It’s super annoying. HA I got it. 

I’m going to go play Animal Crossing now. I started playing my copy of City Folk again after New Horizons was released. I specifically waited until after 8 pm to play today because KK Slider will be there. I could have played earlier and then re-joined in the evening, but Rover comments on me coming back twice in one day and it feels like he’s judging me and I’m not about it.

Later,

Brenda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to my fav axe-wielding bisexual.


	10. Entry n + 7

Dear Diary,

This morning I woke up with a WICKED headache. I took 2 prescription pills, a naproxen and a tylenol, but it still took forever to go away. I think the medicine helped, I just wish it helped more. Speaking of medicine, I can’t pick up my new OCD meds until tomorrow evening. They had to order them in. It’s alright. I’m excited to try them though.

Last night after I wrote my entry, Toriel texted me. She set up a skype call for this evening. I was surprised she got everyone together so fast. It was a great call. I didn’t record it, so I’m going to write down everything I remember while my memory is still fresh.

I got on the call and Toriel and Frisk were already waiting for me. Frisk waved at me really excitedly. They’re so cute. They’re 18 but they’re still adorable. Toriel had some trouble with the audio, so she had to call Frasier to come help. Don’t take this the wrong way, because he’s my brother and all, but I gotta say, Frasier is kinda fine like damn. I’m so proud of him. When I met him he was a squinting, snot-nosed kid and now he’s all grown-up and hot and stuff. He’s gonna get all the Columbians I just know it. I love being the oldest sibling. I know I already said it but I’m so proud of my lil kiddos. I love them so much.

Anyway the first thing I heard when she got the sound working was Papyrus screaming. He was vaulting over all the furniture to get to the computer screen. Undyne followed shortly after, but I think she was just in it for the parkour. When Papyrus got in frame, he shouted,

“BRENDA. DID YOU GET MY LETTER?!”

I informed him that I had not. He said, “I BEGAN CRAFTING YOU A LETTER THE MOMENT I RECEIVED YOUR MESSAGE. I INCLUDED GIFTS AND MESSAGES FROM ALL YOUR FAVOURITE PEOPLE.” Then Alphys poked her head in frame and said, “B-by ‘favourite people,’ I-I think he means m-mostly - mostly himself.” I think she crept in the room after Undyne, who, speaking of which, was panting triumphantly… somehow. Papyrus said, “OF COURSE!!! I AM, WITHOUT A DOUBT, THE MOST FAVOURITE FRIEND OF EVERY HUMAN. BUT I ASKED YOUR OTHER FRIENDS FOR THEIR CONTRIBUTIONS, JUST TO MAKE SURE NOBODY FELT LEFT OUT. I AM A VERY CONSIDERATE FRIEND. WHICH IS WHY I AM OBVIOUSLY YOUR FAVOURITE!!!” 

I tried to thank him for his thoughtfulness, but he cut me off.

“I WAS GOING TO RETURN YOUR CALL, BUT AFTER I SENT MY LETTER, I REALIZED THAT THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD SAY THAT WOULD BEST SUCH MAGNIFICENCE. SO PLEASE LET ME KNOW ONCE YOU HAVE RECEIVED THE LETTER SO I CAN CALL YOU AGAIN!”

I said something like, “I will absolutely let you know, and I’m looking forward to getting it!” which is 100% true. Alphys and Undyne settled in on the couch behind Toriel, and then Mia burst in the front door. She used to knock, but Toriel always told her she didn’t have to, because she was always welcome in her home, so now she just comes in. She ran in, hung herself around Toriel’s neck, and waved to me. I asked her if Asgore was there too. He was, but Mia’s permissions didn’t extend to him. So Toriel got up to negotiate entrance. Undyne stepped in to take her place. She said “Hey Brenda, what’s it like in the big city?!” I told her it’s good, but that I miss them. She told me not to, and that I’d better be having a total blast, or she’d kick my butt. It was surprisingly motivational. She was wearing leggings and a hoodie dress, and I only mention that because I love her wardrobe and I wish I could fit in her clothes. If I did, she’d never see them again. 

Mia told me if Undyne kicks my butt for being sad she’ll come over there and protect me. Then Undyne threatened to kick her butt too, and Mia told her she wouldn’t dare because she’s too cute. Undyne admitted she did have a weakness for cute things and looked at Alphys, who nearly fainted. While they were being all schmoopy, Toriel and Asgore came back in. Frisk and Frasier immediately got up to give him a hug and Toriel got her computer back. 

As everyone settled in, Mia told me the story of how she got her new iPhone. She has the SE, the latest one. Honestly I thought the iPhone 10 was the latest one, but now that I think about it, I remember all the memes about how trypophobes were upset by the new one after that. (I had to look up how to spell that.) She lost her old one because she and her friends were trying to make Tik Toks in her pool and she dropped it in. I asked her if she tried putting it in rice, and she patiently explained to me that everyone said to do that and it didn’t work. I was trolling her. Even if she really didn’t think of that, it’s too late now. Asgore told her he would replace her phone, but she thought it would be a good opportunity to upgrade, so they split the difference. She said she was able to afford it because she had some money saved up from her job at the pet store. I had forgotten about that job. I asked her how it was going, and she said, “I’m a groomer now. I’m really good at it because Asgore gets a lot of beard tangles and I always have to brush them out.” Asgore was sitting on the floor next to her by that point. I’ll be honest, I’m a little jealous of how close she is with both her parents. I know Toriel loves me too. I don’t know what’s different, but it just seems so much easier for her.

After that, Toriel called over to the other room to ask if Sans wanted to come say hi, but he was already sitting in her reading chair. I have no idea how he got there, but I’ve stopped asking. Honestly, I think it’s pretty cool how he can get around all sneaky like. When I was a kid, I liked to pretend I was a secret agent. I got pretty good at snooping around, but never as good as Sans is. I’ll never tell him, but I’m secretly hoping he’ll teach me one of these days. I know he’s not going to, but a girl can dream, right?

Anyway, he was like “hey blondie, long time no see,” and winked like he does. I didn’t have a good retort so I pointedly ignored him. I knew I wouldn’t offend him - and I didn’t. He was chuckling. I decided to tell the crowd that I’ve gotten into voice acting. Alphys got really excited and told me all about the voice acting in the Mew Mew TV series. Is it originally a TV series? I can’t remember. It has a million spin-offs and variations, and I can’t keep them straight. Kind of like Dragon Ball. But she really cares about it so I’d NEVER let her know I’m not totally following. Plus she listens to me rant about my favourite things, and I know she can’t keep them straight either. Anyway, it’s always the same voice actress, but when they need her to be younger or from other timelines or dead or whatever, they merge her voice with someone else that has the sound they’re looking for. She thinks it would be really awesome if I got a job like that. I agree. I think it would be rad, and I told her so. 

Then Toriel asked me to tell everyone about my job search, so I obliged. Undyne said she loves customer service… as in, serving customers justice and throat-punches. Asgore said he thinks I’ll be really good at it because I always make people feel comfortable and welcome. I appreciated that, and I told him so. I can really see why the monsters loved him so much for so long. He always tries to see the positives in everything, and he’s such a genuine person. I’m pretty sure Frasier wants them to get together, but I don’t think that’s likely. My human parents split up a bit before Toriel found me. It was really messy. I’m really proud of Toriel and Asgore for being civil about everything, but I know it’s a really touchy thing. 

After that I kind of took the back seat and let everyone tell me their stories. I don’t remember too much of what they said next, and my hand is getting sore, so I’ll end it here I guess. It was a really nice call. I’m so happy everyone could make it, and I’m looking forward to Papyrus’ gift. I do feel pretty loved, ngl. I wish I felt like this all the time.

Later,

Brenda


	11. Entry n + 8

Dear Diary,

I had a really bad evening after I wrote yesterday's entry. Depression hit pretty hard. I was sluggish. I felt like I was too heavy to do anything. I lay on the floor and cried. I wanted to do some... non-ideal things, but I don't have the guts for anything scary. So I did a smart thing instead. I drank some chamomile tea, which made me just well enough to pick myself off the floor, and then I took some benadryl, and that brought me back to about 60%. That was good enough to sleep anyway.

Today I found out I didn't get the audiobook job. That's ok. I did some work for the three little jobs I do have. I have another job interview tomorrow and I'm not ready for it, but whatever. It'll get done. 

I was able to go out and buy groceries yesterday. I'm really happy about that because I actually have good things to eat for once. I bought a box of plain couscous and I'm enjoying it. I got 2 different kinds before the plain kind, and they both tasted weird and bad. But it turns out that I just like the taste of cooked couscous on its own so it's a-ok. It does bother me that my body doesn't seem to work right. Sensory issues are not fun. But I'm chugging along. I got through today anyway.

I know I just called Toriel yesterday but I'm thinking of giving her a phone call again tonight. Is that bad? Everything just feels wrong and she just makes things better. I'm sure she wouldn't mind. But at the same time, I don't want her to be worried about me. I know there are other people I could call, but I don't want to call them. I want to call Toriel. I hope she forgives me. 

I don't really have much else to say. It was a pretty normal day. I have to wait until tomorrow to get my new meds, unfortunately. So nothing interesting happened. If you really are out there, reader, keep me in your thoughts. Maybe it'll help.

Brenda


	12. Entry n + 9

Dear Diary,

Toriel didn't pick up last night. She texted me later to ask if I was ok and I told her I was.

But good news - I finally got my medicine! I'm so excited! Hopefully they help, but I can't get my hopes up too much at this point.

Earlier today I streamed one of my favourite games on Twitch. It made me cry real tears. And I got 3 new followers! It was a really fun time too. My friend who's doing her master's in England dropped by the chat and it made it so much better.

I've been spending some time on tik tok and I decided to make tik toks using all the popular sounds and trends so I can send them to Toriel and she can make references that her students will understand. My favourite ones I've done so far are "god, f***ing damn it Dave" and the 1985 parody for scene/emo kids. I was 7 in 2005, so the song doesn't really apply to me, but I LOVE Panic! at the Disco. Brendon Urie is my celebrity crush. I'm a sucker for deep voices and dark hair/eyes. The streamer SmallAnt also fits that category. I had a crush on him for like half a day and then I did some stalking and found out he has a girlfriend and then I was bummed for like half a day and now I just lurk in his videos and absorb his cuteness. I think it's good for my soul. He's 2 years older than me so, while it might be creepy, it's not as creepy as it COULD be. 

Besides that, not much else happened, except for that I got stood up at a job interview. I didn't even know that could happen. I waited by my computer for like an hour and nobody came for me. So that's when I made all those tik toks. 

Sans also texted me. Apparently Papyrus wants to know when his package arrives. I'll tell him! I'm waiting anxiously for it! 

And I'll be sure to update you as well, dear diary/theoretical reader. So stay tuned!

Brenda


	13. Entry n + 10

Dear Diary,

Something amazing happened. Are you ready for it? I don't think you are. It's a big deal. Ok, ok, I'll tell you.

I was happy for the entire day.

SHOCKER am I right? I 100% credit my meds. I didn't even get depressed in the evening. Maybe I have SmallAnt to thank for that part. I tried asking him a bunch of questions but the only time he responded to one of my comments was when I "guessed" the name of his vod channel. I didn't guess... he said it in a previous stream. 

One of the downsides of my meds is that they give me intense dry mouth. But I've had this before and I came prepared. I bought a family-sized bag of throat lozenges. I'm not super excited for dry mouth again, but it's better than being dead. Another effect of the meds it that they make me feel sleepy. It's a good thing - I described the feeling to a friend as "cozy." But it made me forget I had a meeting this morning at 9. Oops! The meeting was for a voice acting job. I'm pretty excited for it, actually. We were able to hop on a call at around 9:45. They're super nice people. They're making an app to help people with jaw tension. Apparently I have a ~soothing voice~. I'm glad they think so.

This afternoon I got dressed up nice and did my makeup so I could be a Twitch thot. That was fun. I reacted to the presidential debate. It was... interesting. I got tired pretty quickly. I cut it short after an hour and a half of watching it. I'll pick it up another day. Honestly, I was left with the impression that I'd prefer to vote for the moderator. He's a real one.

Papyrus' mail still hasn't arrived. I hope it comes before my birthday. I'm thinking of going back home for a visit. Mia and Frisk seem like they want me to come back. I want to go back too. But I'll have to make arrangements. I'm not sure if I want to stay with Toriel or Asgore. Asgore isn't really my dad, but he has plenty of room, and Mia would be so excited. Plus, I'm pretty sure my old bedroom in Toriel's house has been converted into something else. But I have to ask around first to see what they want. I know neither of them would turn me down, so it's going to be tricky to find out their preferences. Maybe I'll ask Sans to do some snooping for me. 

On that note, I'll sign off for now. I'll be back tomorrow to update you on whether my meds are still doing their job.

Brenda


	14. Entry n + 11

Dear Diary,

Day 2 of new meds went well. People have been telling me they can hear in my voice that I'm feeling better. I find that strange, because I feel like I'm good at "masking" my depression. But I guess what that means is my baseline isn't cause for concern to your average observer. But to people who know me, there's a big different between fake ok and real ok. And I do feel ok. Not, like, over-the-moon happy or in love with life, but I'm pretty sure that's not the kind of drug I'm taking. Ok is great. Ok is fantastic. Ok is alive.

Today I was able to get in touch with Toriel and Asgore to ask them when they'd be available for me to come down an visit. My birthday week is the third full week of October, but it seems like the second full week is going to be better for people. It looks like I'm going to be staying with Asgore. I'm sure it'll be a good time hanging out with him and Mia. And we're all going over to Toriel's house to celebrate together anyway. Also, guess who else I got in touch with? Isabelle!!! She and Samuel are going to meet me at Toriel's house, and then I'm going to stay with them for a few days! How awesome is that?! I haven't seen either of them in so long! Samuel came back home for the holidays last year, but Isabelle just sends cards. Apparently she and Samuel live in the same area now. Wild! I can't wait to see them again. 

I had another job interview today. It went ok, but not as well as the first one. I'm really hoping that first job comes through. I have a second interview tomorrow. I guess I'll have to put my best foot forward. I don't understand that expression. Which foot is my best foot? Probably my left one. I'm right-handed, but my right leg always seems to cramp up really badly, like it's doing right now. I have no explanation for it. But that would probably make my left foot the best one. Better one? Doesn't best one imply I have more than two feet? Dang, and I thought I had it all figured out.

Papyrus' gift hasn't arrived yet. I guess it puts it into perspective how far apart we really are. But it's ok, because I'll get to see them all again soon.

It also puts into perspective how far Sans travelled to get to me that one night. There's no way he could have anticipated me calling. I'm sure he's using magic. I'm positive. 

Maybe I'll finally ask him about it when I visit. I'm kidding. I don't have the guts. Then again, he doesn't have any guts.

Why am I like this.

Brenda


	15. Entry n + 12

Dear Diary,

Today was a less-good day. I'm still confident that the meds are helping. I always take a bit of time to adjust to a new medication. Right now I'm twitching my neck a whole awful lot and I feel very, very sleepy. I think I'll be ok, even in just a week, and probably tomorrow, since I'll be able to get some rest. I don't know if this is the result of the meds, but I'm feeling kinda insecure about my relationships again. I was feeling pretty good for a little while there. It's embarrassing but... I guess this is my diary so...

Ugh, it's stressful even to write it down, but I can't run from it. Sans is kind of my hero. And I wish I didn't get so attached to people because no matter how much attention they give me, I always want more. And he's already pretty reserved. Very independent. Like me. In some ways, we're a lot a like. Granted, in other ways we're total opposites. For some reason, I'm indifferent to everyone in the whole dang world until I find someone I really like, and then I'm insatiable. It's horrible. And I feel so bad that it's directed at him because, like I've said before, he's busy, and a lot of other people like him. And I wouldn't be surprised if I was pretty low on his list. I'm always such a jerk to him. I'm pretty sure he knows I'm teasing but... even so. There's so many other, better people for him to spend his time with. Like Frisk. Frisk is adorable and kind and super friendly and they like his weird jokes. I mean, Frisk literally saved the world. There's no way I can top that. I mean, I guess I don't need to. I love Frisk, obviously. Everyone does. I wish I wasn't so jealous. I wish I could just love people normally and be a part of one big, happy family. But I've never been able to do that. Not even with my human family.

I wouldn't be so starved of love if I let everyone who wants to love me do so. I try. I promise I really try. I don't know why it doesn't make me happy. I want to be happy. I try so hard to be happy. I try so hard to feel loved. It's just so easy with some people and so hard with others. I'm sure if I could get a handle on it I wouldn't feel like... a ghost that's fading from the earth the longer I stay out of the presence of the people I love. People tell me I can't be replaced. But maybe someone else can be an upgrade. Unique doesn't mean good. Like maybe if I stay away for long enough, and there are others around to take my place, the people I love will forget to love me. 

And then I think that... maybe I should let it happen. Maybe I should stay away long enough that everyone forgets me. My voice will fade from their ears. My thoughts will crumble away. And then nobody has to take on the pain I eject into the world when I...

Maybe not. Somebody once told me there are people who are counting on me to keep going. And I guess it's in my best interest to believe them.

Sorry today was such a downer. I'm sorry I had to go through it.

Brenda


	16. Entry n + 13

Dear Diary,

I've got less to report today. I feel a lot better mentally, but I'm totally wiped physically. The dry mouth is setting in. I feel like I have a cold. My bones ache and my throat is super uncomfy. My stomach hurts at random times and I'm still twitching my neck too much. I had a nice conversation with one of my friends. She had to have her gallbladder out, so now she can't eat basically anything and she's in pain most days. Life just sucks, eh?

I'm still embarrassed about my rant yesterday. I've taken some time to think about the way I process relationships. I haven't come to any conclusions yet, but I'll keep you posted. 

I wish people wouldn't worry about me so much. I'm worried about me, and that should be enough, because I'm the only one who can do anything about me. I don't want to have to manage their feelings as well as mine, you know?

I'm streaming myself playing Stardew Valley on a new file and I'm enjoying that. Ever since I was a kid (probably because of my OCD), I've played video games the exact same way every time. Now that I'm older, I try to make an effort to explore things I haven't done before in my favourite games. So on a file I was playing with a friend, I tried to have my character marry Elliot. But I hardly got anywhere with it because my heart forever belongs to Shane. The first time I played, I was bff's with Emily, and I would say hi to him kind of as an afterthought. Then I saw his 2-heart cutscene and I got butterflies and the rest is history. And dang that man is fine. Like I know he's not real. But his visual design is exactly my type, which to be fair, does only consist of dark hair and eyes. But screw it he's sexy and I'm allowed to think so.

Well that got off the rails.

Later,

Brenda


	17. Entry n + 14

Dear Diary,

Today was a little better. I still feel super groggy, but less like I'm ill. I always feel sick when I start a new medication, so by now I know what to expect. Since I was so tired, I spent most of my day playing video games. In the middle of the afternoon, I decided to bake some bread dressed as a 50's housewife. Clacking across the floor in heels was fun, but probably less fun for my downstairs neighbors. I even called Gerson. I haven't spoken to him in ages! But he's still around, and as enthusiastic as ever. We talked about my job search and plans for the holiday season. He's nice. Kind of like a grandfather for me. 

My head has been hurting for 4 days straight, I think. I really should have been more productive today, but it's hard when everything just feels gross. I'm looking forward to visiting with Samuel and Isabelle, but I still haven't totally locked down plans with them, so I haven't been able to buy train tickets yet. I tried to call Isabelle today, but she didn't pick up. Maybe I should try Samuel tomorrow. It'll be nice to see my people again.

I'm sorry I don't have anything else to tell you. I think the meds are helping but I'm just so tired.

Brenda


	18. Entry n + 14

Dear Diary, All things considered, today was delightful. My friend in England video called me on facebook and I got to chat with her for like an hour, which was lovely. I edited a file for some voice work and in the afternoon I went grocery shopping and had a nap. (I didn't sleep but I lay still and rested which is all you ever get out of my messed-up brain.) My students all behaved themselves in class and SmallAnt read/responded to a comment I left on his stream. I told him his shirt was a good colour for him and apparently he gets that a lot. I guess I have good judgement then. OH also! Hot gossip from my friend! 

Ok so there's this guy I liked in university, and I knew him for a whole year before getting a crush on him. As Papyrus says, he met all my standards. And literally not even a month later he started dating someone!!!!!! Rude! So I waited for like another entire year and they eventually broke up! (I totally called it by the way.) Then I asked him out and he rejected me. Bummer. But APPARENTLY now he's dating a huge drama queen with a victim complex and I'm just like oh. HE'S the one with bad judgement. So I feel better about the whole situation. And that's the tea.

I got a package in the mail, but not Papyrus' unfortunately. It was a subscription shave kit that all the youtubers are advertising. When I was ordering it on the website, the company started grilling me on my grooming experience and preference. I got fed up because there was no option to say "I have moderate to severe sensory processing issues and any enjoyment I might get from the routine or experience is overshadowed by the strong distress that comes with owning a physical form, and the slight relief I can get from fine-tuning my physical care."

I fully forgot to text Isabelle about our meetup. Dang. I'll do it tomorrow. But I did shoot Sans a text bc why not. This is how the beginning of our conversation went:

hey

hey

hey

hey

hey

hey

hey

hey

what's up

what's up

no

Papyrus' package hasn't arrived yet

damn

sounds like u got a bone 2 pick w the postal system

I hate you

thanks, ur not 2 bad urself kiddo 

So that happened. I have more things I should have done today, but you know what? I'm titrating on a medication and that always SUCKS. So I'm gonna try to cut myself some slack. Hopefully I'll have more to report tomorrow.

Later,

Brenda


	19. Entry n + 15

Dear Diary,

Today was uneventful. The most exciting thing that happened was that I got my first payment for voice work. I was pretty groggy for most of the day, but not so groggy that anything tragic or dramatic happened. For some reason I'm having trouble sleeping now, because isn't that just how it works? So instead of going over my same old day, I think I'll take a minute to talk about what I love about my family. Maybe I'll talk about my friends another time, but I have such a big family now that I think that'll do it for this entry.

Toriel:

I mean, what can I say, she's my mom! I admire how loving she is. It's hard to be loving, and to love selflessly. But she's been doing it for hundreds of years! I can tell she genuinely cares about me because she respects my sensory issues. Sometimes I expect her to get mad at me over them but she never does. I love her. She accepts everybody for who they are, and that means a lot to me.

Asgore:

He's not really my dad, but he's Mia's dad, and Mia is my favourite sibling (don't tell anyone), so I want to include him here. I also sort of feel like he gets picked on a lot. There's this lingering feeling that he failed the underground as a king. I can't really speak to that, but what I like about him is how consistently optimistic he is. He keeps a warm heart, no matter what. I think that's part of what helped Mia forgive him. Out of all the human souls, she was the one who hated and feared him the most when we first met him. But I heard a psychologist say once that hate and love aren't opposites - they're both expressions of strong emotion. He takes really good care of her, and I can count on him to always try to do the right thing. I'm glad to have him in my life.

Mia:

She's my baby. I know she's Asgore's daughter, but she was my baby first. When I met her, she was six years old. She had such a hard life as a small child, and she doesn't even realize it. I've had to piece it together from what she's told me. I'm pretty sure her human parents were horribly neglectful and verbally abusive. She basically had to fend for herself, and she wasn't even welcome in her own home. But she's such an innocent soul despite all that. She has so much love in her heart. I'm so lucky I'm one of the people she loves is me. 

Joseph:

I don't hear from him a lot, but I'm always impressed with his passion for life. Every time I see him, he's got something new he's obsessed with. And he always puts so, SO much energy into whatever it is he's working on. He's a total star at sports of course, but now that he's older, he's also gotten into physics and engineering. And he's really good at it, not necessarily because he's naturally gifted, but because he cares so much and tries so hard. I can't help but be proud of him. 

Frasier:

I love how honest he is. He's never been afraid to be himself. He has this sort of quiet strength that is really admirable. He was bullied a lot as a kid, before he met Toriel, so I think it's extra impressive that he held on to himself the way he did. He's so smart, but he's so good at being humble about it. Mia is closer with him than I am - they're basically best friends. But I love him too. He's a great little brother.

Frisk:

Frisk is the smollest bean. The purest lil cinnamon roll. They seem to get along with absolutely everyone. They're so good at lighting up someone's day. Somehow, they always know exactly what to do to make someone feel better. It's really impressive, and it's so nice to be on the receiving end. They're such a blessing to everyone. They've really earned their place in the world (besides being the saviour of all monsterkind that is).

Isabelle:

I'm sorry if this comes across as shallow, but my favourite thing about Isabelle is how beautiful she is. She's so classy and elegant. She's been training as a ballerina since she was little and it really shows. Sometimes it feels like she's everything I'm not, and I can't help but feel a little jealous. She's tempered, calm, strong, proper, and refined. It's like a spotlight follows her around the room wherever she goes. I can only aspire to that kind of radiance.

Samuel:

What a character. He's a total sweetheart. He helped me take care of the little ones when we all first woke up. He and I were never that close though. I'm not totally sure why. We're both very open and extroverted people. We have similar values and strengths. We both enjoy caring for people. I think it boils down to my trust issues. Maybe I felt a bit overshadowed by him, too. Like Isabelle, he's always been just that much more perfect than me. I wish I was less jealous. But I can say for sure that he's a great guy, and a fantastic person to grow up with. 

And that's it. That's my family. Except for Sans, I suppose. In a way, he's the one I feel the most connected to. And I think he sees himself in me, too. But I feel embarrassed talking about that, even in my own diary. So I think I'll save him for the friends entry. Besides, I've already gushed about what he means to me, so there's no real need to put that down here again. 

Hopefully tomorrow is more interesting. In any case, I'll update you. 

Brenda


	20. Entry n + 16

Dear Diary,

Wonderful news! I am not dead.

I haven't written here for a while because there's nothing I really wanted to record. I keep doing normal-person things and feeling normal-person emotions and that's not interesting. I guess you could say the past few days have been pretty mundane. They're the type of days that just kind of slip away. But a thing happened yesterday! Let me tell you about it.

I decided to use my weekend to finally fix my broken computer. It's a bit difficult to explain, so I'll do my best. The computer isn't broken per se, as in, there's nothing wrong with the keyboard or the screen or the files or the battery or whatever. But every time I turn it on, it brings me to this blue screen that asks me to type in my bitlocker key. I do not know what a bitlocker key is. I asked Alphys, and from what she said, I gather that the computer encodes your data so nobody can steal it, and you can only decode it through the use of the bitlocker key. So my files were all still there, I just couldn't access them without the password. Now the problem with this is that I had a terrifically long fanfiction on there. It isn't backed up anywhere and it's 43,000 words long. I've spent literally years working on it. It was heartbreaking to lose it behind a mystery lock screen. Back in March, I tried my best to find this password, and I could not. But now I have a new laptop and more time on my hands. So I decided to finally do something about it, and hopefully save my baby.

So I called Alphys. She was shy at first. She kept saying she didn't know if she could help, but she agreed once I told her about the fanfiction situation. She was totally horrified and promised to do everything she could to help. So I put her on skype on my good laptop and got to work. It didn't take us too long to get the bitlocker key, actually. After a few failed attempts, we noticed there was a url on the screen. I had to type it into my browser letter-by-letter, but once I did that, I got to a page that told me my key. I was able to confirm it was my key because the blue bitlocker screen also showed me a key ID. The bitlocker key is like 36 numbers long, but we got it all typed in. THEN it brought me to a screen that asked me what I'd like to try. There were around 8 different options. Alphys told me which ones to try first, but we basically went through process of elimination. 

Let me tell you, there were NO good options. Every option we tried made the computer restart, then ask us for the bitlocker key again. Of course we still had it, but it was a huge pain to type in over and over again. We even tried downloading a Windows 10 installation program and putting it on a usb stick, but I didn't have one that was big enough. Every so often, Undyne dropped by to call us both nerds. Every time, Alphys just replied as though she had called her by her name. I kept replying "We love you too, Undyne!" and she would get embarrassed and leave us alone for a while. 

Eventually, we noticed the computer let us go through the command prompt. I have a little bit of experience with using the command prompt, but not nearly enough to use it properly. But Alphys really came through. She picked up human coding languages and operating systems really quickly when she first got to the surface. It was really impressive. She showed me how to view the folders and disk drives without a visual display and how to navigate between them. Eventually we found the folder with my story in it. All my files were safe and sound! Next we figured out which drive represented the port my usb stick was attached to. Finally, we figured out how to copy the file over to the usb. The command that saved my story was:

xcopy C:\Users\Brenda\Documents\Voices.docx D:

THEN we had to figure out how to safely remove my usb. That was pretty tricky, but we eventually figured it out. I plugged it into my working laptop and it was all there! No corruption at all. We had done it! We saved my story!!!!

Now you might be wondering if I'm going to post it anywhere now that I have it. Wellllllll the thing about it is, I like to make sure my fics are complete before posting them, partly because, once I know the ending of a story, I like to go back to the body of the story and make improvements so it's more cohesive. That's why I've been working on it for years with barely any evidence of it on any of my fanfiction accounts. What I did do is upload it to google drive, so if my laptop breaks again, I won't lose it for good!

And that's the story. It was very exciting. Hopefully you'll hear from me tomorrow as well.

Later,

Brenda


	21. Entry n + 17

Dear Diary,

You'll NEVER BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED. So. I got a migraine, right? Happens a lot. That's why I've got prescription meds for them. Now let me tell you a bit about these meds. Migraines can technically be treated with opioids/narcotics, but it's not very effective, because they just dull the pain for a while. Sometimes this can get someone through until their migraine ends, but it doesn't work for people like me, because I can't predict when my migraines will end, and sometimes they can last for 5 days. In the hospital, they can treat migraines with strong anti-inflammatory drugs and anti-nauseants. But they have to be injected through an IV. My inner elbows still twitch when I think about it. I hate IV's. 

So what's a girl to do? Taking preventative meds is an option. I've tried a bunch of them, and the only one that has worked so far is very expensive and I can't afford it. Bummer. So I'm forced to rely on a class of medicines called triptans. I've tried eletriptan and rizatriptan, but I know sumatriptan is another common variant. From my understanding, these medicines work by constricting the blood vessels in your head area, which presumably reduces inflammation, which relieves the pain. I've had similar results from pseudoephedrine, which is another vasoconstrictor. Triptans convert quickly into serotonin, which does make the user feel a slight sense of calm for a few minutes, but it does not produce a high of any kind. However, it is very possible to overdose on triptans, because too much serotonin in the body can lead to serotonin syndrome, which can be deadly. 

With that context in mind, I went to pick up my drugs from the pharmacy because I had a headache that was about 2 days old and I was sick of it. I was feeling pretty good on my way back home from getting them because my antidepressants are doing their job. So I started dancing to some music and the packet of meds fell out of my pocket. I didn't notice until I got home. When I noticed, I raced back along my path, and found the EMPTY BOX. Someone had RIPPED OPEN THE PACKAGING AND STOLEN THE PILLS. 

So the first reason I was pissed is that I had a headache with no way to cure it. The second reason I was pissed is that those pills cost $80 and I don't have health insurance. The third reason I was pissed is WHO TAKES MYSTERY PILLS? Would you? Would you take pills that you didn't know what they were? I wouldn't. Like I don't care if they were planning on selling them or what but they sure didn't know what they were. Now I feel like there's some moron out there overdosing on pills that I could've used to cure excruciating pain and they're not even getting a high from it. I really truly hope that they were stolen for someone who does suffer from migraines but can't afford medicine, but I doubt that's the case.

The pharmacy let me buy more pills but that's another $80 down the drain. I'm already taking the train to go visit the fam and I STILL DON'T HAVE A FULL TIME JOB. In New York City. My goodness I am mad. 

But at least I get to visit everyone. Toriel is coming to pick me up tomorrow evening. I was going to take the train both ways but she knows I'm broke and she wasn't having it. I wonder if she's going to make the drive alone or if she's bringing anyone with her. I guess I'll find out.

Alright that's enough words for one night. I'm going to sleep.

Brenda


End file.
